The defence The Adrenaline Seeker
“Momentum is a formal choice.”
The velocity sharpens instinct and tension, making every beat land before self-importance can settle in.
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Conan the Barbarian
Adventure · Fantasy · Action · 1982
A horde of rampaging warriors massacre the parents of young Conan and enslave the young child for years on The Wheel of Pain. As the sole survivor of the childhood massacre, Conan is released from slavery and taught the ancient arts of fighting. Transforming himself into a killing machine, Conan travels into the wilderness to seek vengeance on Thulsa Doom, the man responsible for killing his family. In the wilderness, Conan takes up with the thieves Valeria and Subotai. The group comes upon King Osric, who wants the trio of warriors to help rescue his daughter who has joined Doom in the hills.
Movie details
Conan the Barbarian
“Thief. Warrior. Gladiator. King.”
1982 Adventure · Fantasy · Action 2h 10m
Critical arithmetic
One number, for now.
Scores change. Arguments endure.
TMDB
6.8 / 10
Community rating
A horde of rampaging warriors massacre the parents of young Conan and enslave the young child for years on The Wheel of Pain. As the sole survivor of the childhood massacre, Conan is released from slavery and taught the ancient arts of fighting. Transforming himself into a killing machine, Conan travels into the wilderness to seek vengeance on Thulsa Doom, the man responsible for killing his family. In the wilderness, Conan takes up with the thieves Valeria and Subotai. The group comes upon King Osric, who wants the trio of warriors to help rescue his daughter who has joined Doom in the hills.
CriticWise case file
What this film says about your taste.
Not a recommendation score. A measure of how closely the film’s taste signals resemble yours.
The archetype split
Who fights over Conan the Barbarian?
For the defence
The Adrenaline Seeker
“If it slows down, you check your phone.”
Read their case For the prosecution
The Auteur Devotee
“You watch the director, not the movie.”
Read their objectionThe split comes from the same five-axis model used by the test, not audience ratings or review sentiment.
Where it lives
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Streaming availability data supplied by JustWatch.
Names above the title
The people responsible.
Cast & crew
Directed by
John Milius
Written by
Oliver Stone · John Milius
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Conan
James Earl Jones
Thulsa Doom
Sandahl Bergman
Valeria
Ben Davidson
Rexor
Cassandra Gava
The Witch
Gerry Lopez
Subotai
Mako
The Wizard
Court is in session
Put Conan the Barbarian on trial.
Two incompatible taste archetypes. One film. Read the arguments, then issue a completely binding cultural ruling.
The prosecution The Auteur Devotee
“Speed as an alibi.”
The film races past its weak spots and hopes acceleration will keep the audience from inspecting the evidence.