The defence The Prestige Tourist
“Sincerity is not manipulation.”
The film risks embarrassment to make emotion communal, and that openness is harder than fashionable detachment.
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If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
Drama · 2025
With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child's mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.
Movie details
If I Had Legs I'd Kick You
“Everything is under control.”
2025 Drama 1h 53m
Critical arithmetic
One number, for now.
Scores change. Arguments endure.
TMDB
6.3 / 10
Community rating
With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child's mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.
CriticWise case file
What this film says about your taste.
Not a recommendation score. A measure of how closely the film’s taste signals resemble yours.
The archetype split
Who fights over If I Had Legs I'd Kick You?
For the defence
The Prestige Tourist
“You like your greatness pre-approved.”
Read their case For the prosecution
The Adrenaline Seeker
“If it slows down, you check your phone.”
Read their objectionThe split comes from the same five-axis model used by the test, not audience ratings or review sentiment.
Taste neighbourhood
Nearby on the taste map.
TMDB supplies the candidates. CriticWise reorders them by craft, strangeness, prestige, emotion, and pace.
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The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby: Them
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A New York couple's relationship is tested after the loss of their child. This film is the wide-released combination of the original two :him and :her volumes that premiered at the Cannes Film Festival.
Maps to the Stars
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Driven by an intense need for fame and validation, members of a dysfunctional Hollywood family chase celebrity, one another, and the relentless ghosts of their pasts. Their fragile ecosystem is disrupted by the arrival of Agatha, the scarred and estranged pyromaniac daughter.
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After inheriting a remote Montana house, Jackson moves there from New York with his partner Grace, and the couple soon welcome a child. As Jackson becomes increasingly absent and rural isolation sets in, Grace struggles with loneliness, creative frustration, and unresolved emotional wounds. What begins as an attempt at renewal gradually turns into an intense psychological descent, placing strain on their relationship and exposing the fragile balance between love, identity, and motherhood.
Blackbird
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A terminally ill mother invites her family to their country house for one final gathering, but tensions quickly boil over between her two daughters.
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Names above the title
The people responsible.
Cast & crew
Directed by
Mary Bronstein
Written by
Mary Bronstein
Rose Byrne
Linda
Conan O'Brien
Therapist
A$AP Rocky
James
Danielle Macdonald
Caroline
Delaney Quinn
Child
Mary Bronstein
Dr. Spring
Ivy Wolk
Diana
Court is in session
Put If I Had Legs I'd Kick You on trial.
Two incompatible taste archetypes. One film. Read the arguments, then issue a completely binding cultural ruling.
The prosecution The Adrenaline Seeker
“The strings are showing.”
Every cue tells you exactly what to feel and when, leaving sentiment to do the work character should have done.